I’ll confess -- I’m finding myself somewhat disheartened the further into May the calendar travels. I was so looking forward to Easter, and it did not disappoint. Celebration and reminders of resurrection sprung a hope in me that has been absent for quite some time now. My soul felt renewed and I was ready for God to reinvent me once more. But, I find that I am human. And like most humans, my experiences of celebration quickly give way to the realities of defeat and despair.
I have wondered why this is, and while I can make some guesses, I think that it most likely results from reading about the heroes of the early church, then comparing my own story to theirs (in case you’re wondering, there is no comparison). You see, I do not anticipate tongues of fire descending on anyone anytime soon. I am fairly certain that no sermon of mine will lead 3,000 people to faith in Christ. I do not have plans to heal a lame man as I walk through my day. As far as I know, God will not speak to me from heaven, blinding me for unbelief (although of all the scenarios listed that may be the most likely).
But if I skip ahead through church history, I find characters that look even less like I do. Julian of Norwich, Gregory of Nyssa, Martin Luther, Dietrich Bonhoeffer......
I’m just Stefanie. Born in the 1970’s in the Midwest. Red hair, blue eyes, freckled face. I eat pizza and like to play Nintendo Wii and am known by most as a "crazy cat lady." Last time I checked, I have not had any mystical visions, written any treatises, transformed any churches, or risked anything for Christ.
Even after Easter, I am just Stefanie.
Instead of reading about the heroes of the faith, I would like to read about the failures. That is a list of which I would feel much more comfortable aligning myself. I want to know there are others who have had their lives shattered, and blamed God for it. I want to know there are good, godly people who have had their hearts broken and lost all hope. I want to know that there are believers who love God but cannot seem to let him have full control over their futures. Most often I connect better with the Peter of denial than the Peter of boldness. Sometimes I connect better with the depression of Martin Luther than with the passion he held for the justifying power of God found in Scripture. I almost always connect better with the doubt in Dietrich Bonhoeffer than with his trust in God’s grace.
I want to know there are others like me. And I want to know that we can get through anything life throws our way, because God will walk with us, despite our doubt, our fear, our anger. God loves us, despite the messes we make of our lives.
I supposed this is the faith that these “heroes” of ours possessed as well, although for the most part we hear only of their successes, and not of their failures. I cannot help but wonder, at any time, did they say, “I am just.....”? Or did they always know they were made to play some special role in the Kingdom of God?
I do not know what my future holds. I do not know of the struggles and joys that lay ahead. There are sure to be wounds that need healing, but I hope there are also smiles that cannot be contained. But my ultimate trust is that although I am “just Stefanie,” I serve a God whose power far exceeds my abilities. I serve a God whose plan for my future is much richer than any I could concoct with a recipe of my own desires. I serve a God whose salve will bring a sustained healing that cannot be achieved by means this fleshly state utilizes.
I trust that God deeply loves Stefanie.....and that is where the label of “just” is stripped away and the eternal branding of “beloved” is placed.
I have wondered why this is, and while I can make some guesses, I think that it most likely results from reading about the heroes of the early church, then comparing my own story to theirs (in case you’re wondering, there is no comparison). You see, I do not anticipate tongues of fire descending on anyone anytime soon. I am fairly certain that no sermon of mine will lead 3,000 people to faith in Christ. I do not have plans to heal a lame man as I walk through my day. As far as I know, God will not speak to me from heaven, blinding me for unbelief (although of all the scenarios listed that may be the most likely).
But if I skip ahead through church history, I find characters that look even less like I do. Julian of Norwich, Gregory of Nyssa, Martin Luther, Dietrich Bonhoeffer......
I’m just Stefanie. Born in the 1970’s in the Midwest. Red hair, blue eyes, freckled face. I eat pizza and like to play Nintendo Wii and am known by most as a "crazy cat lady." Last time I checked, I have not had any mystical visions, written any treatises, transformed any churches, or risked anything for Christ.
Even after Easter, I am just Stefanie.
Instead of reading about the heroes of the faith, I would like to read about the failures. That is a list of which I would feel much more comfortable aligning myself. I want to know there are others who have had their lives shattered, and blamed God for it. I want to know there are good, godly people who have had their hearts broken and lost all hope. I want to know that there are believers who love God but cannot seem to let him have full control over their futures. Most often I connect better with the Peter of denial than the Peter of boldness. Sometimes I connect better with the depression of Martin Luther than with the passion he held for the justifying power of God found in Scripture. I almost always connect better with the doubt in Dietrich Bonhoeffer than with his trust in God’s grace.
I want to know there are others like me. And I want to know that we can get through anything life throws our way, because God will walk with us, despite our doubt, our fear, our anger. God loves us, despite the messes we make of our lives.
I supposed this is the faith that these “heroes” of ours possessed as well, although for the most part we hear only of their successes, and not of their failures. I cannot help but wonder, at any time, did they say, “I am just.....”? Or did they always know they were made to play some special role in the Kingdom of God?
I do not know what my future holds. I do not know of the struggles and joys that lay ahead. There are sure to be wounds that need healing, but I hope there are also smiles that cannot be contained. But my ultimate trust is that although I am “just Stefanie,” I serve a God whose power far exceeds my abilities. I serve a God whose plan for my future is much richer than any I could concoct with a recipe of my own desires. I serve a God whose salve will bring a sustained healing that cannot be achieved by means this fleshly state utilizes.
I trust that God deeply loves Stefanie.....and that is where the label of “just” is stripped away and the eternal branding of “beloved” is placed.
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