It's Just Me....

I’ll confess -- I’m finding myself somewhat disheartened the further into May the calendar travels. I was so looking forward to Easter, and it did not disappoint. Celebration and reminders of resurrection sprung a hope in me that has been absent for quite some time now. My soul felt renewed and I was ready for God to reinvent me once more. But, I find that I am human. And like most humans, my experiences of celebration quickly give way to the realities of defeat and despair.

I have wondered why this is, and while I can make some guesses, I think that it most likely results from reading about the heroes of the early church, then comparing my own story to theirs (in case you’re wondering, there is no comparison). You see, I do not anticipate tongues of fire descending on anyone anytime soon. I am fairly certain that no sermon of mine will lead 3,000 people to faith in Christ. I do not have plans to heal a lame man as I walk through my day. As far as I know, God will not speak to me from heaven, blinding me for unbelief (although of all the scenarios listed that may be the most likely).

But if I skip ahead through church history, I find characters that look even less like I do. Julian of Norwich, Gregory of Nyssa, Martin Luther, Dietrich Bonhoeffer......

I’m just Stefanie. Born in the 1970’s in the Midwest. Red hair, blue eyes, freckled face. I eat pizza and like to play Nintendo Wii and am known by most as a "crazy cat lady."  Last time I checked, I have not had any mystical visions, written any treatises, transformed any churches, or risked anything for Christ.

Even after Easter, I am just Stefanie.

Instead of reading about the heroes of the faith, I would like to read about the failures. That is a list of which I would feel much more comfortable aligning myself. I want to know there are others who have had their lives shattered, and blamed God for it. I want to know there are good, godly people who have had their hearts broken and lost all hope. I want to know that there are believers who love God but cannot seem to let him have full control over their futures. Most often I connect better with the Peter of denial than the Peter of boldness. Sometimes I connect better with the depression of Martin Luther than with the passion he held for the justifying power of God found in Scripture. I almost always connect better with the doubt in Dietrich Bonhoeffer than with his trust in God’s grace.

I want to know there are others like me. And I want to know that we can get through anything life throws our way, because God will walk with us, despite our doubt, our fear, our anger. God loves us, despite the messes we make of our lives.

I supposed this is the faith that these “heroes” of ours possessed as well, although for the most part we hear only of their successes, and not of their failures. I cannot help but wonder, at any time, did they say, “I am just.....”? Or did they always know they were made to play some special role in the Kingdom of God?

I do not know what my future holds. I do not know of the struggles and joys that lay ahead. There are sure to be wounds that need healing, but I hope there are also smiles that cannot be contained. But my ultimate trust is that although I am “just Stefanie,” I serve a God whose power far exceeds my abilities. I serve a God whose plan for my future is much richer than any I could concoct with a recipe of my own desires. I serve a God whose salve will bring a sustained healing that cannot be achieved by means this fleshly state utilizes.

I trust that God deeply loves Stefanie.....and that is where the label of “just” is stripped away and the eternal branding of “beloved” is placed.

God Loves Osama bin Laden

Okay, so I know right off the bat this is going to bother some people. Since Jesus bothered a lot of people by loving those who were unpopular, I'm assuming I'm in good company when I say that God loves Osama bin Laden.


Before I go much further, let me be clear. This is not meant to be political commentary, nor a statement on the U.S. or our military. It is also not meant to show any disrespect for those who lost a loved one on September 11, 2001 (I cannot even imagine your pain). No, this blog is about my response to the news of bin Laden's death in light of my relationship to a loving and life-giving God.


In all honesty, I have struggled with my feelings over the past few days. My human sense of justice and patriotism has tempted me to think: "Yes, we got him! That's what he gets! Don't mess with the U.S." But my divine sense of God's love has prompted me to think quite the opposite: "Does God ever rejoice over a violent death? Does one death eliminate the sadness of the mass executions of September 11, 2001?"


I do not have an answer for how to balance these conflicting thoughts. But as I was driving earlier today, I was reminded that "God loves Osama bin Laden." My self-righteous indignation causes this thought to make my stomach churn, and I get the same feeling as when I see Michael Vick take the football field, making millions of dollars, despite the horrible cruelty he imposed on God's most innocent of creatures. But like it or not, "God loves Osama bin Laden....and Michael Vick, too."


I began to think about what bin Laden's life has been, and particularly, how it may have begun. Well, to take it all the way back, his life started the same way as mine. As an infant, brought into this word pure and innocent. At some point bin Laden began eating solid foods, crawled, learned how to walk, said his first words, began playing with blocks (or some equivalent). Sound familiar? When he was five years old, and began to be able to think more critically about life, do you imagine his thoughts were turned towards destruction, hatred, evil and death? I might venture to say his thoughts were similar to any 5-year-old in America. He may have looked up at the sky as planes flew overhead and dreamed about flying. He may have kicked a soccer ball with his siblings and thought about life as a professional athlete (most young boys do at some point).


But eventually, something happened to this boy. Hatred was poured into his life, and he absorbed it as a willing recipient. I do not know for sure when this happened, or why this happened. But I do believe that hatred fills our lives when there is a void -- a void of love. Somewhere along the way, bin Laden's understanding of love, from God and from others, became warped. And then it seemed to altogether disappear.


1 John 4:18 tells us that the opposite of love is fear -- dare I say, terror. ("There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.") Somewhere in his life, bin Laden made a choice to embrace fear instead of love. And it has resulted in decades of devastation to families all over the globe.


I would propose that our anger at Osama bin Laden does not have to be mutually exclusive from an authentic love for him as a creation of the Almighty God. But if we allow this anger to become a vehicle by which we instill fear into ourselves or others, we are then walking a line that I believe causes us to stray from God's love instead of towards it.


I live in the real world. I live in a world where true evil exists and where governments do their best to protect their people. Violence and war are sometimes necessary in the cause of bringing liberation to the oppressed, and although I long for the day when all enemies bow the knee together under the throne of the Sovereign King, I also know that day is not today. But I also caution myself against dancing in the streets over the death of a human being, no matter how vile he may be. For I know that my sins are just as deadly as his sins. 


I normally end my writings with a strong conclusion and mighty resolution. To do so today would be hypocritical, as I struggle to balance human justice with God's love, my own safety with the value of one human life.....